Becoming friends first with your horse can be achieved most easily by engaging in mutual grooming, just like horses do.
“Mutual grooming is one of the most important acts for cementing the relationship between two horses …. It is an indicator of the strongest bond within an equine family – friendship.” Quoted from the book, Trust Instead of Dominance by Marlitt Wendt.

Every Horse is an Individual
By not riding and developing that pair bond with my horses, I have discovered how the horses are much more pleased to see me.
Even when I walk out with a halter, horses who once had that ‘oh no here we go again’ look on their face, or worse still – walked away, are now coming to me with ears up and sidling over for a good old scratching session.
Not only that, but my horses are also able to tell me exactly where they are itchy on that day. Armero comes up and nudges me politely to ask for an itch then lines up her body alongside the place to scratch. Her daughter Amy has learned to do this too by watching and copies the nudge every now and then or rests her head on my shoulder.
Jack sidles over, stretching out, and lifts his hind leg to indicate he wants his sheath area cleaned and Glory presents her tummy to me for a good rub underneath, or bites the spot she’s itchy to show me where to start. Fantasy positions her backside towards me because her itchy spot is around the tail.
Start with scratching
I love the look of pure enjoyment and bliss when I give them their daily ‘grooming’ and have been able to teach them various little things like backing up from behind and coming sideways to me by using the itch as a reward.
I see this as the perfect place to start the relationship – you are offering the horse something they want and in return, they look forward to your company and give you a little of what you would like as an understanding develops.
This video shows how Glory asks for her itch and how Fantasy takes her first steps in learning to back up to me – a very useful tool for backing out of tight spaces or the horse trailer.

Too much!
One small issue of reciprocal grooming is it’s a natural thing for the horse to use their teeth with enthusiasm and this is often too much for us sensitive-skinned humans!
So, if they start to use their teeth decrease the intensity of your itching and put your flat hand out under their mouth.
That way you can cup and move your hand to cope with a totally natural reciprocal action. If we pushed them away from this, it could be seen as a real rebuff.

Opening Up
The challenge is to see how much of a response you can get from your horse to an itchy spot. In the beginning, some horses may be reluctant to reveal any enjoyment, which may indicate they are a little afraid of you.
But if you persist and try different places and types of itching (hard with your fingers, a curry comb, more of a massage, etc.) eventually your horse will show some small sign that it’s enjoying what you’re doing. It may only be a slight extension of the neck, a twitch of the lips, or turning their head towards you – keep an eye on them for any little sign including one that says ‘don’t go there’!
Some horses will be quite defensive of their sensitive spots until you prove you can be trusted.
The Reward
When you know where a horse’s itchy spots are (there will be many that can vary from day to day) then you can use them as a reward for anything you are doing together.
Finding that friendship spot allows you to take a break from always asking from your horse and giving to them instead.
Try it – it feels good and can often look very funny.

This sounds familiar! Explained in detail here:
https://www.imagine-discoverthemagic.com/shop/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=65&products_id=229&zenid=v9l1v84bals294n6opinbu6u25
Best! ~ Cynthia Royal and Lord of The Rings Shadowfax star horse Blanco
What a lovely article! I can only agree. 🙂